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Monday, March 20th, 2006
6:45 pm
my dear len,

thank you for the best anniversary ever. i love you more every single day :*

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Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
7:11 am
i've just had the recent wonderful opportunity to reconnect with one of my old best friends from high school, whom i lost touch with for a couple years, and it is great.

i've been having really weird dreams/nightmares lately and i don't know where they are coming from. i haven't had nightmares in about a year and now all of a sudden.

my mom will be out here on thursday, and i can't wait. the anticipation is getting me a little stressed, just cause i miss her so much. but it will be a nice 4 days.

i just wanna holla at my boy lenny! i love you baby :)

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Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
8:11 pm
in local news...

my mom is coming out in less than 2 weeks and i can't wait! i wish i could see her more. she is missing out on all the wonderful things going on in my life and i in hers, but sometimes you just gotta deal with things as they are. she lived away from her mother for almost 25 years after she got married and moved to michigan, and it was hard for her, and i understand what it felt like. i miss her so much, and i find myself gravitating towards older women in my life, who are kind of motherly. i know it sounds really weird, and hard to explain, but they fill a motherly void in my life. pam is the closest thing to a mom i have out here, and she is wonderful, but i miss mine. i have gotten a lot closer with my dad since my mom left though. it is weird. we are talking and having conversations like we never have before. he talks to me like i am an adult, his equal now, and he is more open with me about his life than i have ever known him to be, and i find myself relying on and depending on him for emotional support, and that has never been like that. i miss him when i don't see him.

in neighborhood news...

the bush neighbors are moving!!!!! i have suspected it for the last week, cause there was a trailer in their driveway for a couple days, but today when i got home from work, they had a for sale sign up in their yard. not that they were totally a pill to live next to, but they certainly weren't friendly or anything. they were no jerries.

in personal news...

i am in love! and it keeps getting better! everytime i think i can't love lenny more than i do, i wake up and find that i sure can :)
i am trying really hard to get into a steady exercise routine. i never like to talk about it because it makes me feel bad if i end up not sticking with it. i feel guilty and i feel like i failed, so if i don't talk about it, people can't judge me if i don't stick with it, but this time, i really need to stick with it, and i really want to. there is no reason not to. i want to get healthy again.

in business news...

ugh, work. i love my job, i love most everyone i work with, but i am getting irritated on a daily basis, and i'm not the only one. if people would just do their jobs like they are supposed to, it would go so much smoother. there is the new girl, who thinks she is above doing anything but the most sophisticated of tech duties. it just isn't flying with everyone. what i love about out team at work is that we all share the philosophy of everyone being an equally valuable part of the team, no one is above anyone else. everyone cleans, everyone holds animals, everyone draws blood, everyone takes out garbage and trims nails and loads rooms. she just keeps missing the memos. she isn't playing by the rules, so to speak, or being a team player, and she isn't doing her job. everyone it seems, doesn't like her, and that i feel bad about, but its like she refuses to adapt, she comes in and tries to change everything, and she isn't held accountable for anything. then there is another girl who keeps messing up the flow of the clinic by stepping on all the dr.s techs' feet, going into rooms when she isn't supposed to, not sticking to her job. the only thing i can think of is that she is pissed at always being RF cause of school. i found out that last friday she was bitching to our team leader about me not loading rooms all afternoon. the thing of it is though, i was a float on friday, and i was loading the shit out of rooms all morning while she was at school, so i got none of my float duties done. then she comes in as a RF, so now i get a chance to sit down and do recalls and do some other shit. so i am sitting at the computer doing my float duties and she has the nerve to bitch to our team leader about it? hell no! that pisses me off. she is pissing people off, and so is the other girl, and it gets taxing on your soul when everyone keeps getting mad about these things repeatedly. i try, i really do, to not get caught up in gossiping about them, i try to keep my complaints straight forward, and they are NEVER with malicious intent or alterior motive, but damn, sometimes i get so irritated i need to vent. it just seems anymore that every corner i turn at work, people are talking about these other people in low voices and huddled masses, and i feel bad, but maybe i shouldn't. maybe they bring it on themselves, but i still never feel good about it.

and a note to all you pet owners out there.... ANIMALS COST MONEY, AND NO WE ARE NOT JUST TRYING TO GET MORE MONEY OUT OF YOU, WE ARE OFFERING YOU THE HIGHEST QUALITY OF MEDICINE THAT WE CAN FOR YOUR PET, JUST LIKE YOUR OWN DOCTOR DOES FOR YOU! i am getting really tired of all the skeptical looks, the accusations of scamming and trying to get as much money out of the clients as possible, and people magically seeming to know what their pet does and doesn't need. veterinary medicine is a medical profession, doctors work here, and i went to college and got a degree and license to do what i do. we don't recommend things to hear our own voices, we don't offter diagnostics and treatments for your pet because we get a kick out of it, we do it because these things are necessary to keep your pet healthy. you don't go to your own doctor and refuse the things he recommends for you, you don't question his intentions or his recommendations or tell him he is wrong, so don't do it with us! i am so sick of hearing "he's fine, he's healthy, he doesn't need that stuff," and so on. there is no way people can know that about their pets unless we do these things. we do pre-surgical bloodtesting for a reason, because we can't detect problems with a crystal ball. how do you know you dog's kidneys are healthy? owners just seem to magically know these things. then what are we here for? i offered a heartworm test to a dog one time, the owner declined, saying, no he's fine, he's perfectly healthy. before they left they actually agreed to it, turns out the dog was HW positive. see? he wasn't healthy. i offer fecal tests, i get, "he's fine, he doesn't have worms". how do you know? YOU DON'T. and it is the same owners whose animals end up getting sick from these things, then they come back and expect us to fix it better, but refuse to let us do any testing or diagnostics to find out what the problem is. they expect some kind of magic pill, but it doesn't work that way. for these people, we can give medication to relieve the symptoms temporarily, but it will not be treating the problem. we will then schedule a recheck to see if the pet is improved, and they won't come in for it. and it is these people that get mad at us because their pet got sick again with the same things. a lot of owners refuse to take responsibility for their pets then get mad at us when something goes wrong. when you take an animal into your life, you make a commitment. it is a living breathing being, who is completely dependent on you for everything. it is not something to be taken lightly. we see so many people either give up their pets or have them euthanized because they either can't afford care (which i totally understand, shit happens at the wrong time sometimes) or they just don't feel like dealing with the pet anymore. i understand that sometimes it is legit when you have to do this, but a lot of times it isn't.
for example, people have cats who pee in their houses, and more often than not, the cats have a urinary tract infection, but the owners refuse to have any testing done and want the cat euthanized, just because it is peeing in their house. urinary tract infections are completely treatable with a short course of antibiotics. but no, they just want their pet killed because they don't want to spend the little amount of money to test, or they just don't want to deal with it. then, they get to go home and do something else, but what people like this don't realize is that we are left to deal with the guild and emotion of killing a perfectly healthy cat because the owner won't get their cat the proper medical attention, that, or they just don't care enough. i have seen this scenario more times than i would care to.

do your research, know what you are getting into, and realize the commitment it takes to care for an animal before bringing one home. it makes my job so much easier.

yeah, some of that might be unfair, and i'm sorry if i offended anyone, but doing this everyday, dealing with the crap that goes on, you see a different side of things. most people don't see the things we see. Animals are not disposable.

but i really needed to vent, and give poor lenny a break.

current mood: frustrated

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Saturday, February 4th, 2006
8:36 am
thanks again Jo for staying to do towels last night. you were a lifesaver. i know how much it sucks to be ready to go and then have someone tell you something else to do, which is why i appreciate it so much :)

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Friday, December 16th, 2005
8:33 pm
today fuckin sucked. one of the closers called in sick so i stayed late to close, which normally i have no problem doing but i haven't gotten much sleep the past two days and have been really tired, and even though its just an hour more, i was still looking forward to getting off at 6pm tonight instead of closing. then both surgery techs left at 1, same time i was going on lunch. there was a puppy who needed a fracture repair done and Dr. D wanted the dog anesthetized and ready to go before 3, but i was the only LVT on staff from that point on for the rest of the day, so i got pulled out of my lunch hour a half an hour early to prep the dog, and i was not really happy about that either.

i wasn't involved in the case at any point so i had no idea what was wrong, what had been done already and what needed to be done. i went into this surgery completely BLIND. all i knew is that the dog fractured its arm. someone didn't do what they were supposed to do so i had no treatment plan to follow except for a rough estimate with a code that was inactive so i had nothing to go by. all the dr's were in a meeting so i couldn't bother them and i had to go dr. d's wife to get things found out.

by this time it is 5 minutes past the time dr. d wanted the dog down, and i have no idea what is supposed to be going on, and so he comes out and starts yelling at me because the dog is still awake and that his meeting had to be interrupted. the dog was fucking still awake because no one left any instructions or paperwork and i was the one left having to try to find everything out at the last minute. the dog was supposed to have had bloodwork done beforehand but it ended up not getting it because dr. d is inpatient and no one ever followed up on what dr. b wanted. i am stressed out at this point and dr. d was yelling at me and his wife was yelling back at him in my defense, telling him it wasn't my fault everything got screwed up, that i had to be pulled from my lunch just to do this. he went back in the meeting.

meanwhile, i am running around with my head cut off cause i have never assisted in a fracture repair surgery and the only bone that was thrown to me was by barb before i left, showing me where the screws and drill were and how to put the drill together. i am basically on my own with this, and i getting even more stressed out because i don't even know if i am doing things how the dr. wants them done. the surgery went well though and the dog's arm is fixed.

now we have to go over charges for this surgery. barb also asked me to go over charges for another fx repair sx from earlier, another that i had no idea about. i didn't even know the dog was here until she told me. there was nothing highlighted, no tx plan, nothing for me to go by. dr. d and dr. b kept drilling me with all these questions but i just kept telling them i didn't know anything about either of the cases until the last hour, and they were getting frustrated because i didn't have the information for them, and i was getting frustrated because the other people just left me high and dry with no information and i'm getting to that point of being so stressed out, i either cry or my brain shuts down and i can only think about one thing at a time. the latter happened. i just had to zone everyone out or else i woudln't have been able to tie up all the loose ends that everyone else left me with. i have 5 different people asking me important questions about these animals and i have no fucking idea of any of the answers and i kept telling them that. i have no idea about any of these cases! no i don't know what meds he wanted sent home, no i don't know if he wanted special food, he didn't tell me, no i don't know if this dog is spending the night, no i don't if the other dog got his pain meds, i wasn't involved, no i don't know if this dog came in last night or this morning. stop fucking askin me questions! i already told you i don't know, and the people who do know left without making sure someone knew. i didn't even know i was supposed to be in sugery until i got pulled out of lunch.

meanwhile, i probably am not seeming at my best to dr. d, who i try so desperately to prove to him my worth. i missed the whole rest of the day with dr. crow because i was stuck cleaning up this mess of a surgery day. i am so pissed off right now. i was looking forward to a great friday and now my whole day has just been ruined. i am so agitated still i am biting my nails, which i haven't done in a long damn time. i just wanted to fuckin eat my lunch in peace and have a nice friday with a nice outlook on the weekend.

i'm home now and i am still wound up. i can't seem to decompress. i just want some pizza and chocolate and to go to sleep.

current mood: pissed off

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Thursday, December 8th, 2005
7:31 pm - ...On the 12th day of Christmas...
My LiveJournal 12 Days
My True Love gave to me...
12 gardienangel14s a-drinking.
11 sunnybreeze3s a-sniffing.
10 fox_of_deaths a-dancing.
9 freewilljesss a-milking.
8 thamaestros a-wiggling.
7 fredabenjs a-wailing.
6 gnomebiscuitss a-ranting.
5 light blue money23s.
4 calling magen43s.
3 Herzegovinian princessdebs.
2 dog narcissusdyings.
And a firedancerxoxo in a coconut tree.
Get gifts! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

current mood: cold

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Sunday, November 13th, 2005
10:24 am
my job. i love it. i love the people there, and i get along wonderfully with everyone. we laugh, we have fun, we go out together after work and be social, and its great. but i still feel like an outsider. and it happens with most people that i meet. its not because i am not accepted by people, its because i chose not to drink alcohol in my life.

not including my friends, most people that i know and am around are drinkers and partiers, and that is a big part of their life. they don't make me feel alienated at all, in fact, they make me feel the complete opposite, but i feel that way myself. i can't relate to that lifestyle anymore, i got it all out of my system when i was a teenager. i can't sit around and trade stories of how drunk we got last weekend, or what i did and didn't remember at the party.

i don't take part in the social bonding of everyone getting buzzed at the bar after work, and i don't find it exciting, the prospect of getting free beer for a job well done. i love being social with my coworkers outside of work because it does bring us closer, but when everyone is drinking and having a good time, its hard for me to get in the same mode as them. don't get me wrong, i still have a fun great time with them, but it isn't as interactive. i don't stay out late drinking, i can't take part in the recollections of the fun drunk night at 1 a.m. that they all had the night before.

part of me feels bad when everyone else had such a great time, and i listen to them all laugh and recall how much fun it was, how they have all shared something like that together, i wasn't part of it because i don't drink and i didn't want to stay out late and chose to go home early. that isn't me. i don't get loud and crazy anymore, i dont stay out late at the bar every night, and i don't need alcohol to have a good time. i don't want it.

being a non-drinker, it definitely puts a wall between me and other people in the social aspect, even if i am the only one that feels it. not a one of them makes me feel like this mind you, i think it is all in my head. but i am too proud of what i have accomplished. i sacrifice my own feeling of fitting in to hold onto my convictions and not drink, and its something that i am proud of and feel strongly about, even if it means i won't be the first person called to go hang out and party at the bar, even if it means i won't ever come in the next morning feeling like shit from last night, but laughing about how crazy someone got. i would rather feel on the outside looking in than compromise myself. sometimes its hard. not hard to not drink, but hard to feel like that because of a strong choice i have made.

current mood: pensive

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Thursday, November 10th, 2005
7:27 pm - my christmas dream
it seems like i've been waiting forever for mom and dad to wake up, so i can finally open my presents. every year it gets harder to wait, but this one's the hardest. there's never anything good to do on a christmas morning, so i just, get up, walk around, sit again, and fidget. it seems to slip my mind thought when i can actually see them laying there in bed. i get hungry, but when i go to get a bowl of cereal, i seem them there, all laid out in front of me under the tree, just out of my reach. i can't touch them till my parents are up, but i want them so bad. i have to wait, for i cannot wake them myself. my friends are already calling me, telling me what they got for christmas, jessica got that new barbie. but i should be the one. it should be me who got has their toy they always wanted. the snow is falling, but i am at a standstill. i can't seem to move now, and i start crying because i know my predicament must be because of all those times i fought with my brothers or didn't clean my room. i just thought they were late sleepers, but mom would be up by now if had been a better kid...

it was one of those dreams that sticks with you even in the waking hours, leaving you feeling odd for the day. its the first time in a long time i have been able to remember my whole dream, long enough to still write about it. i usually just dream about work related things, but every now and then a weird one slips in. i can't shake the feeling though. writing about it feels better though.

my mom and don left today back for new jersey, and i miss her already, and that probably is what is mostly bumming me out moreso than my dream. i didn't get to see her much while she was out, even though she stayed at my house. i hope she moves back here someday. i am at the dawn of my future, and my mom won't be here to experience it with me. her family needs her out there right now much more than we need her here, but i really really do miss her a lot.

i also found out today that one of my favorite people who i love and respect, does drugs. i am so disappointed, in this new and with her. is it wrong of me to be disappointed in someone for that? i don't think it changes my opinion of her, but it makes me sad to find it out.

current mood: gloomy

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Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
9:34 pm
the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.

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Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
7:33 pm
For Paul:

1) Remember your Greg Brady haircut?
2) Little Wing/ The Outsiders
3) Raspberry with Capn' Crunch thrown in
4) I still haven't seen it all the way through, which reminds me, we should start up our little review thing again :)
5) Feeling accepted by you from the night we met.
6) Circus sea lion- multi-talented and friendly :)
7) who is the most influential person in your life? (and don't say michael jackson)
8) well, i got this from you

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7:26 pm
For Lenny:

1) You never did give me that apple pie recipe, after all this time
2) My Best Friend by Tim McGraw/ The Shining
3) Strawberry-Banana
4) That is one cultivated mullet!
5) Talking with you on the phone that one night for hours and thinking that i could fall in love with you
6) Babe the Blue Ox
7) When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
8) If I do this for you, you should post this in your journal.

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Friday, September 30th, 2005
4:20 pm
this was posted in Paul's journal,

1) Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2) I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3) I'll pick a flavor/color of jello to wrestle with you in.
4) I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5) I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6) I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7) I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8) If I do this for you, you should post this in your journal.

and this is what he replied about me :)


1) Open minded
2) Ziggy Stardust/"The Breakfast Club"
3) Orange
4) "Have you written your review of "On the Waterfront" yet?!"
5) Fitting in nicely at the meeting with Joanne
6) Cat...you seem wide eyed and curious
7) Who's your all time favorite musician?

Reply with your name and i will do the same for you :)

thanks paul!

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Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
2:03 pm
god gave us the power to change.

today i saw my aunt mary jean again. jeannie and her brought their dog to my work. it was my day off but i had an appointment with puppies and they just happened to be there at the time when i arrived. how lucky! i was early so i sat in the room with them for awhile talking. the whole time my aunt mary jean just stared at me smiling.

i see love now in her eyes when she looks at me, not judgment, and now, after these past couple days, i feel the same coming from me when i look at her. she hugged me today and told me she loved me, and i said i loved her back. for the first time that i can remember, i really meant it, and i really felt it, and i could feel it coming from her too. we spent about 45 minutes alone together just talking on sunday, and i think we had a breakthrough in our relationship together. we have both changed so much and i think we both finally "see" each other. and i feel wonderful about it.

current mood: blessed

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Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
8:34 pm
i've always just written jake off as absent minded. the whole time we have been friends he has always been like that, not coming over as planned, forgetting to call or not thinking to, doing silly things that make you go, what the hell was he thinking, and i love him for it, cause that's just the way he is. but lately, he has really been letting me down and now i am really upset by it.

a couple months ago, he took me out for coffee and i told him the dates of my college graduation and graduation party, and i let him know how important they both were to me, and i repeated myself a few times, because i know how he is and that's what i have to do. he he would miss them for the world. i even called him a day later to make sure he marked it down on his calendar. the time comes and i call him a couple days before to make sure he was coming, and sure enough he forgot and let himself get scheduled to work the day of my graduation, even when i told him to get it off. i was pissed. somehow he managed to get someone to cover for him for a few hours so he could come. i reminded him the night before to set his alarm so he wouldn't forget. i called that morning, an hour before we had to leave, and sure enough, no alarm, and he was fast asleep. he lied and said he was already awake and was about to leave, but i know him like the back of my hand. now it takes 40 minutes tops to get here from his house and we waited as long as we possibly could, and he still hadn't shown up. we had to leave without him, but i saw him afterwards, and he actually made it to the ceremony.

two weeks later was my party. i called him to make sure he was coming to my party, and he then told me he forgot it was that night and he was going to a live show instead, the venue not even 5 minutes from my house. i asked him to stop by afterwards at least, cause it meant a lot to me that he was there, and he said he would. 2 am rolls around and he never showed.

so i am pissed.

he calls me now out of the blue a couple weeks ago and tells me he is living in new jersey now, which i knew he would sometime, but he didn't even tell me. he was mostly moved out there, and was just back in town for 2 weeks to tie up loose ends. my best fuckin friend and he didn't even tell me he was moving. he waited till after the fact. i want to see him and he wants to see me so we make plans for him to come up here and see free will play last weekend. alright cool, we have plans, i get to see my best friend before he leaves and i don't know when i will get to see him again after this. so the weekend rolls around and i call him the night before he is supposed to come up to make sure he is still coming. now there's this girl he has been hanging out with for a short time, the sister of an old high school friend, and that's cool. i've never been jealous of him hanging out with anyone. surprise, he forgot we had plans and made plans with that girl to go up north with her for the weekend. he said he would call me when he got back and before he left for new jersey last week, so we could get together. he never called. i never got to see him. i don't care that he was spending time with that girl, but i care big time about the way he treats me, and he has always been flaky and absent minded like that, but never this bad. this is pushing me too far and now i am mad and hurt. i feel like i am not important to him. i feel like chopped liver and i can't believe that after all these years he still hasn't grown out of being like that. i am just really upset and it has come to a head, and i had to vent.

current mood: disappointed

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Friday, September 16th, 2005
6:48 am
what a wonderful surprise to wake up to a rainy september day this morning. its getting cooler now and i can smell fall coming, and i can't wait.

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Friday, September 9th, 2005
9:08 pm
i euthanized another dog today. its one of the hardest parts of my job, but in some way, also a good part of it, in that i can provide final relief and solace to animals who are in so much pain. knowing that they won't hurt anymore helps a little, but its tough. the one today was especially hard. he was brought in for a minor complaint, and we found out the minor problem was a symptom of a horrible terminal illness of the dog, and his owners had to unexpectedly leave without him tonight. that's the worst. you don't have time to say goodbye properly, or plan for any of it. i cried.

the bright side though is, it seems, for every euthanasia that we do, 1 or 2 new puppies always seem to come in to see us. life goes, and life comes back to us. every life i end, i save 20, and i love those odds, and i love my job.

current mood: good

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Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
7:05 am

current mood: happy

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Friday, September 2nd, 2005
8:18 am
its like watching the war. all these horrible images, but you can't help but be glued to the tv. i am not watching as voyeur though. i watch and i pray, in disbelief. i see scenes that i have only seen happen in far off lands in the past, now take place here. everytime i catch myself worrying about gas prices, i think, at least i have my home and my family to come home to everynight. i know where len is and that he is safe. i don't have to deal with making tearful pleas to contact me if anyone knows the whereabouts of my loved ones, not knowing if i or anyone else will ever see them alive again. how blessed i am, i remind myself. i am donating blood tomorrow. the appointment has been standing for over a month now, but it seems to falling at just the right time. there isn't much i can do to help anyone down there, and i guess watching CNN and praying for them at least makes me feel like i am doing something for them, however minute or inconsequential it is. it makes me feel less helpless and idle.

current mood: sad

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Thursday, September 1st, 2005
9:26 pm - for some reason this didn't show up last night when i posted it
my heart is breaking for those people in that hurricane area. all i can do is sit and stare in disbelief. so many people's lives and homes lost and destroyed, and now they are turning on each other, fighting, shooting, raping, looting. what goes on in people's heads to make them have a complete lapse in morality? they need each other's help more than anything right now, especially the help of the rescue teams, and they can't even get in to help because they keep getting shot at? i can't make sense of that. i can't make sense of anything that has happened down there in the past couple days. i heard today about the price gouging that hotels and other places are engaging in, taking advantage of the most horrific moments in these peoples lives, it just makes me so damn angry. one hotel said it raised its prices to "keep the riff raff" from taking refuge there. people are people. everyone needs the same thing. people should be offering help, not charging people for their mistfortune. cars and gas are being hijacked at gunpoint, people are shooting at helicopters and rescue crews and refugees are getting raped and killed at the convention center. they have no food, no clean water, no bathrooms, no nothing. if the hurricane didn't get them, dysentery will. i heard on CNN now about cholera, dysentery, and typhoid and such ravaging through possibly. those diseases haven't been around in decades. these people are being forced to live among this violence, dead bodies and their own waste. its like a horror movie. it doesn't seem real. god help them. i wish i could.

current mood: distressed

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Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
9:09 pm
well..... I DID IT!


current mood: ecstatic

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